TV WILL ROT YOUR BRAIN: CRADLING “ALMOST HUMAN” IN MY ARMS WHILE IT LASTS

How Dare You? Do You Even Have Any Headless Friends?

I realize that, given how expensive it is to produce, “Almost Human” is a long, longshot for renewal. Too bad. There’s enough “Fringe” DNA here alone to warrant giving this one more time to find its groove. And remember that even “Fringe” hadn’t gelled into the show it would become during its first season. Aside from that, Karl Urban and Michael Ealy, in a star-making turn, have the best bromance on television. Chemistry? Yeah, chemistry.

And I am finally catching up with Monday’s “Almost Human”. It’s the second to last episode of the season and, I fear, the series. It’s a shame. Come Fall, a FOX Monday night genre double

“We go together
Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong”

bill – past, present and future in one night – featuring this and “Sleepy Hollow” would kick ass.

Especially since there’s a chink in the armor of more than one rival as CBS will be living with the aftermath of “How I Met Your Mother” and ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars”, a show whose lustre has dimmed considerably in the last few seasons, will be tweaking it’s formula in an effort to renew interest. Come on, FOX, it’s outpacing your expensive Kevin Bacon vehicle “The Following” by a bit as that show continues its sophomore season implosion. Think of the longterm. You have all the correct pieces in play. You just need to put them in the right places.

Marriage, That Bwessed Awwangement

Marriage, That Bwessed Awwangement.

NBC’s “HANNIBAL” KILLS THE SEASON FINALE, EATS ITS LIVER WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI

Mmmm. Tastes like chicken.

Can’t sleep.

Too much talk of tonight’s “Hannibal” on twitter. If twitter had existed during the first season of “Twin Peaks” my head would’ve exploded. That’s how I’m equating “Hannibal”s first season finale to that of “Twin Peaks”. That’s how exciting it has felt to watch this unheralded NBC oddity unfold.

It’s rare for network television to truly surprise anymore. Gratuitous gore doesn’t count as surprise either, even in the serial killer genre (I’m looking at you “The Following”) but that’s where “Hannibal” succeeds: It’s got gore galore but its most terrifying and hallucinatory images are all in your imagination, all in what’s suggested and hinted at. The most terrifying thing imaginable is to doubt your own reality. This entire season of “Hannibal” has felt like a fever dream with the viewer frequently left to puzzle over what onscreen is really happening and what is happening only in the halls of a fractured psyche.

Frankly, this viewer got sucked in as much as Hugh Dancy’s Will Graham. Until tonight’s finale I was still rooting for Hannibal on some level, still rationalizing his monstrous actions. But just as Will finally caught on to what was happening right in front of him, so did this viewer. Why is this show called “Hannibal”? Because, ultimately, Hannibal is a monster. Charismatic, frequently sympathetic and fascinating for sure. Even the author Thomas Harris, creator of the character himself with the novel “Red Dragon” eventually fell under the spell of his own creation. His “Silence of the Lambs” follow-up “Hannibal” is an atrociously ludicrous story that only served to indicate that even the author himself didn’t think of Hannibal Lecter as being a villain anymore. His later, wholly unnecessary prequel, “Hannibal Rising” confirmed, even more, the attempt to turn the character of Hannibal Lecter into a sympathetic figure.

But Hannibal wasn’t interesting in the beginning because he was in any way sympathetic. Hannibal was interesting because he was mannered, cultivated and also a complete sociopath. Hannibal Lecter is a monster. NBC’s “Hannibal” has remembered that and set the stage for an even more wicked exploration of his evil. Originally, according to creator Harris, nothing made Hannibal into what he was, he just became it. Horrifying. Beyond explanation. That’s what’s so scary about him, he’s beyond explanation. “Hannibal” gets that about Hannibal. That’s what makes it such a bloody delight.

THAT SOAP IS FILTHY: Intrigue is alive, well and delicious on “General Hospital”

You’re making me so happy, “General Hospital”.

You lost a bit of steam following the extraordinary heights of your 50th Anniversary week featuring the triumphant return of the Nurses Ball but you’re firing on all cylinders now.  Jane Elliott has been ripping into some of the best material Tracy has been given in years with relish.

And, yeah.  About the Quartermaine relish wars storyline: The trick is to substitute, in your mind, some sort of fabulous technological advancement that any corporation would kill to own for pickle relish.  For example, anytime someone says “relish”, you think “breakthrough diabetes drug formula”.  It’s really the best you can do.

Still, returning the Quartermaines to the front and center position has turned out to be a better idea than that family’s diminished numbers would’ve seemed able to support.  Sean Kanan has shown a flair for comedic timing as A.J. this time around, which is really good because he’s D.O.A. during the dramatic moments.

And Jane as Tracy?  She has lent incredible gravitas to the “relish” story and managed to mine bold new territory for a character she’s been playing on and off for 30 years as Tracy has been re-imagined as a romantic wearing a cynic’s attire.  In a medium known for its acting hysterics she has managed to reveal a depth of character with a subtlety any primetime soap player should envy.

Meanwhile the re-introduction of “One Life to Live” vets Roger Howarth, Kristen Alderson and Michael Easton as new characters has proved to be a mixed bag so far.  The writing has been playing Twister with itself trying to establish Easton as the second doppelganger of the same character and the results have been painfully clunky.

On the flipside, Kristen as Kiki/Lauren has brought to mind memories of her early years as her former character Star Manning when Star was still the wayward wild child of borderline sociopath Todd Manning.  Her chemistry with Chad Duel as Michael is actually much more natural this time around.  As far as Roger Howarth’s new character, I’m going to admit to being a complete sucker for the way the show has been teasing that reveal.  But I certainly hope Howarth makes a decision soon as to whether he’s still essentially playing Todd or not as the typically on-point actor has been hitting some awkward beats as GH’s new mystery man.  Still, much of that has to do with teasing out the reveal of the character he’s playing and once the show let’s that cat out of the bag, I’ve no doubt his performance will come together.

And just whom, exactly, is Howarth now playing?  Overwhelming evidence suggests he’s going to turn out to be a substitution for movie star and daytime TV visitor James Franco as artist/serial killer Franco. I guess we’ll see.  Yes.  There are many questions right now to be asked on “General Hospital” and I, for one, can’t wait to find out the answers to those questions.

There are many other things worth getting into but I don’t have the time right now but I will say that CBS daytime veteran Maura West has had me intrigued since her first scenes with Geary.  Of course, Tony Geary can make anyone look good in a scene but there’s something really electric about West’s performance so far that has me excited to learn more about her and how she will turn out to fit in to the Port Charles canvas.  Overall, “GH” is snapping, crackling and popping.  It pains me to see that the ratings of late have been down when the show is doing so much right.  If you read this, consider that.  Then tune in.  Seriously.

Where’s Felix when you need him?

Despair in the Afternoon

Oh, Liz. Oh, girl. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. (Except for maybe your choice to wear that sweater, because damn, it looked good.)

Seriously, though, that was a short lived period of me not hating Nik’s guts and enjoying the Liz/Nik revisit, huh? This Nik — the entitled, condescending, pushy Nik? — is pretty much my least favorite parts of the character condensed into one super potent package of assiness.

ELIZABETH: My reaction had more to do with me than AJ. I feel bad about our affair. Nikolas, I still feel incredibly guilty.
NIKOLAS: Whatever feelings you have about our past, it doesn’t excuse AJ. He’s acting like a jealous idiot who’s trying to claim you like you’re his property!

Um, Nikolas? I’ve got this pot on the phone? He says he’d like to call your kettle black.

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YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD FOR A CORPSE: Cancelled daytime TV favorites reborn online

Reunited and it feels so good

It was very exciting to welcome back the legendary ABC daytime soaps “All My Children” and “One Life to Live” as they were reborn as online original productions yesterday.

I thought “OLTL”, in particular, was fantastic – a great mix of new and old, fast-paced, and funny.  I immediately wanted to watch the next episode.  I was less enthused about “AMC”.  Not only did the production fail to sign far too many of its core cast – no Susan Lucci, no Michael Knight – all of the new, younger performers were just dreadful.  Didn’t help that the writing was pretty bad with the veterans handling it the best of course.

Over at “OLTL” the writing can be very awkward at moments, as can some of the shooting choices but those can be fixed easily enough as everyone behind the scenes acclimates to a new production.

Another minor quibble: the new intros, especially that of “AMC”, look cheap to me.  Those are the only visual cues to me that indicate we’re not on network television anymore.

Overall, I think the two soaps returned in the exact condition in which they left: “OLTL” was the best it had been in years at the time of its cancellation and “AMC” was kind of a mess and had been for some time.  Still, I lost track of the number of times I smiled watching the first episodes of the resurrected shows.  Years from now when the entire daytime soap model has migrated to the internet I’ll be proud to be able to say I watched these two favorites on the day they went online.  It really felt like being a part of history.  This is the future: daytime anytime.  I’d say the future is looking pretty good.

“BATES MOTEL”: A Mystery Wrapped In an Enigma?

“Bates Motel” is one of the most confounding television experiences I’ve ever had.

I have absolutely no idea what the show is supposed to be and I’ve seen every episode. It’s not that interesting, or engaging or thrilling but it has had some wonderful moments of high camp, usually thanks to Vera Farmiga who has bitten down hard into a character that, as written, is a complete enigma.

Freddie Highmore as Norman Bates? Well, he sure is…British?

Nothing much happens on “Bates Motel” and very little of what does happen has much to do with the establishment of a “Psycho” prequel mythos. Chinese sex slavery? Uh, ok. I continue to watch merely because I always finish a book – I started this story, I want to see how it ends. Maybe the end will justify the means.

In the meantime, what does one get in a visit to “Bates Motel”?  It’s not compelling enough as a small town drama nor suspenseful enough as a mystery.  It’s occasionally unintentionally funny but in a disappointingly rote way.

From moment to moment it is unclear whose story this is exactly.  Norman’s?  Norma’s?  Or Dylan’s?  Sadly, for a story inspired by one of cinema’s greatest shockers it seems to arbitrarily be Dylan’s story.  Dylan is an entirely new addition to the “Psycho” mythos – the casually ruggedly handsome older half brother of Norman Bates.  He’s certainly the most sympathetic character as well as the most consistently played one – Max Thierot does a lot with very little.

Still, if we’re meant to care about Dylan or how he views the events surrounding him, then “Bates Motel” fails again.

What would happen if you took a potentially fascinating exploration of the formative years of one of the world’s most legendary cinema psychos and then removed any depth, any drama, or much of any connection to the world of Hitchock’s classic as we know it?

I think we have our answer.

TV WILL ROT YOUR BRAIN: “Bunheads” Speaks Fluent “Gilmore Girls”

Seriously, “Bunheads” is killing me.

If you miss “Gilmore Girls” a lot, and I do, “Bunheads” will fill that hole. Sutton Foster, like Lauren Graham before her, was born to rattle off Amy Sherman-Palladino’s rapid-fire, pop culture referencing dialogue. It doesn’t bear any resemblance to the world as I know it but it doesn’t even matter.

This is a show in love with the sound of words. Here, the words are frequently hilarious and delivered at a pace that would exhaust the cast of “His Girl Friday”. And much like the similarly paced “Scandal” and “Grey’s Anatomy” – two shows greatly informed by the love of creator Shonda Rhimes – every frame of “Bunheads” rings with the love Sherman-Palladino clearly has for this oddball world she’s created.

The capper: the chance to see the great Kelly Bishop tear into a character very different from Emily Gilmore but who leaves just as indelible an impression. If ABC Family doesn’t renew this charmer for a second season they’ll be making a huge mistake.

ME EATING POP EATING ITSELF: It’s Backstreet Boys Birthday Week As BSB Turns 20

And it begins.  Yes, this week marks the 20^th Anniversary of the Backstreet Boys.  As a longtime fan and pop culture enthusiast I can hardly ignore this momentous milestone.  So I’m not even trying to.  Because I want it that way.  Yeah, I know, and I could make a million plays on a million words connected to the majesty of this vocal group but I won’t.  Instead, I simply offer up some real facts to whet your appetite for all things Backstreet as I celebrate BSB20: BACKSTREET BIRTHDAY WEEK.  Get ready to swoon.

1) Have sold 130 million albums worldwide which makes the group history’s best-selling boyband and the 41^st biggest-selling act in the United States.

2) First group since Sade to have its first seven albums reach the top 10 of the Billboard 200.

3) From 2006 to 2012 was a quartet.  Kevin Richardson chased a successful career on Broadway during his hiatus from the group.

4) A.J. McLean, with his gruff, melodramatic baritone stylings, was the first Backstreet Boy.  Clean-cut tenor Brian Littrel, cousin to member Kevin Richardson, was the final boy to sign on for Backstreet duty.

5) Played first live gig as Backstreet Boys on May 8^th, 1993 at SeaWorld Orlando.

6) Named after Orlando, Florida’s Backstreet Market that was located near a popular teen hangout spot.

7) Their self-titled 1997 American debut was actually a hybrid of their first two international releases.

8) Hit “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” was not included on initial pressings of BSB’s self-titled debut – it was added for later versions.  The reason BSB seemed to be announcing its “return” on what was their first album was because the track was culled from it’s second international release.

9) When BSB released third album “Black & Blue” in 2000 they scored a then-record worldwide debut with sales of five million.

10) Have been nominated for eight Grammy awards.

11) First artist since The Beatles to score back-to-back million plus debuts.

12) Have released eight studio albums and 25 singles.

13) Have scored six Billboard Top 10 hits, 12 Billboard Top 40 hits and 16 Billboard Hot 100 hits.

14) Have sold more than double the number of albums by chief rival N-Sync.

15) Nick Carter was named Sexiest Guy In The World by CosmoGirl magazine in 2002

16) To promote the release of 2000’s “Black & Blue” the group flew around the world in 100 hours stopping to play shows in Stockholm, Tokyo, Sydney, Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro, and New York.

17) Both members Nick Carter and A.J. McLean have sought treatment for substance abuse issues.

18) Kevin Richardson is the only member not to release a solo album.  Nick Carter’s 2002 “Now Or Never” is the highest-selling BSB solo effort with worldwide sales of 550,000

19) Though they feuded frequently in the 90s and 2000s after N-Sync joined BSB as a label mate at Jive Records, the two groups have since mended their relationship.  N-Sync’s J.C. Chasez even produced a track on BSB’s 2007 “Unbreakable” album.

20) Member Nick Carter collaborated with comic book legend Stan Lee on “Backstreet Project”, a one-off comic title in 2000 that depicted the members of the group as themselves as well as superheroes.

MOM, THIS NEWS SMELLS FUNNY: INSOMNIA PLUS CNN EQUALS HILARITY

Does my stiff upper lip go with this tie?

Tuning in to CNN in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep last night turned out to be a far weirder experience than I had anticipated.  Maybe I wasn’t entirely awake but I thought the anchors were hilarious.  Seriously, it was like a carnival ride.  These were some of my thoughts:

-So I’m watching CNN right now and these two anchors have the most ridiculous accents – the woman in particular. For a moment it seemed I was watching some kind of parody. I can’t take these two seriously.  This is way funnier than Fox News.

-I am telling you. There are two daytime soap opera actors doing over the top English accents in charge of CNN’s anchor desk right now. And neither is Piers Morgan.

-There may be some Australian in these accents too.  Or some New Zealand.

-If you’re not watching CNN right now, you’re missing out. The male anchor that I am choosing to call Little Lord Flusterbudgett is interviewing a source and just seems so very bothered and embarrassed to have to be intruding so rudely and asking these intrusive questions. He’s also wearing the most ridiculous purple necktie. Apparently CNN could give a shit who hosts their overnight programming. I am mesmerized.

-Were it not for the very real tragedy they were reporting on I would think CNN was Punking us all right now

-These news anchors are so polite and so Austraenglish and so plastic. I feel like they’re going to try and seduce me by asking me if I have any Grey Poupon.

-Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil in that one movie? What was it called? Bedazzled? That’s who the woman anchor on CNN is reminding me of right now. I feel like Mother wants to punish be for being so naughty.

-I have decided to call this woman CNN anchor Emmanuelle Poppins.

Just put your lips together and blow